©GERALD-MITCHELL.COM
The "River" is my daily life, and, I'm the Salmon that always seems to be swimming "Upstream", instead of with the flow.
The "Bear" is the danger that I can't see, which awaits me in my struggle upstream.
What's the prize at the end of my struggle?
The year was 1988 when I first had my hot flashes, and, a sense of dread, while riding in the back seat of a car with four of my friends, at the age of 34.
It was summertime in Brooklyn New York City.
The girls were as hot as the weather, and, hanging out with the boys was the only action in town.
To make things more fun, you simply had to get high, and smoke plenty of weed to get your laugh on.
It was a blast.
Of course, this wasn't something I did on a daily basis.
I wasn't a full time hoodlum. In fact, I wasn't a hoodlum at all, and neither were my friends.
I was already married 10 years by this time, and I had 3 lovely daughters. I also had a great job, and, I worked very hard.
But, just like working hard, I also partied hard on the days when I wasn't working, unlike most of my friends, who didn't work at all, and, they could always be counted on to be waiting in the neighborhood for others to party with.
Boredom was the enemy, and, we all needed friends.
I guess by now you're thinking I wasn't that great of a Dad, and I was blowing all my money on weed, right?
Slow your roll, bro!
I can assure you that I was a great Dad, great husband, great family man, and, a very responsible individual.
But, like most people, I needed my distractions from reality. And, I was a Brooklyn Boy.
The only thing I knew growing up was the streets, and, on the streets you either make friends, and, be down with your buddies, or, you walk the streets alone. And, it's a big city that will gobble you up without friends.
Believe me, after 10 years of marriage you need some distractions, especially if your Wife was from Brooklyn too.
But, it was all good, as long as I kept food on the table, the rent was being paid, as well as all the other bills being paid, my wife never really stopped me from letting off a little steam whenever I needed to, as long as I always came home at night we got along okay I guess.
Besides, it wouldn't be good for me to get stoned, and party everyday, and keep a good job at the same time.
In fact, I was never even that desperate to get high at all. I could always do without it. It was the reality of life that was bringing me down most of the time, not any addiction that I needed satisfied. That was never a problem for me. As I said, I was always a responsible parent, husband, and individual.
But, being responsible meant that you are RESPONSIBLE FOR EVERYTHING!
Yeah...that's a weight for anyone willing to take it on.
One can equate their life to a Tea Pot.
If the Tea Pot is left on a stove the pressure starts to build up, and, if it's left on the heat it can blow up with the cover on top.
Take the Tea Pot off of the heat, and, the pressure immediately goes down.
That's what my life was all about...it was about letting off some building steam.
Am I a bad guy? NO.
Was I under pressure? YES.
But, I was taught at an early age, especially on the streets of New York City, that you've got to "MAN UP", and, "No Pussy's Allowed"!!!
It's called "Life" - Deal with it!
Many people can't deal with it, and, they crack under pressure.
But, I thought I had things under control - especially If I got the chance to let off a little pressure.
That was my normal routine.
It's what made me normal.
To me, there was nothing abnormal about my life. It was more routine, than abnormal - too routine.
I certainly wasn't a dangerous person, but, I wasn't one to back down from an aggressor either, and never would I abandon my friends if they were under attack by some wise guys.
I was what you might call "a stand-up guy", and, I always did what was expected of me by those around me. I could always be counted on in a pinch.
Hopefully by now you understand that I was really a decent guy just trying to get by in life. Not ambitious either, with no delusions of grandeur. Just an everyday, normal, run of the mill kind of guy, who occasionally needed a break now & then.
So....what went wrong?
Why now?
Why the hot flashes?
Why was I suddenly afraid?
What was I afraid of?
What's going on here?
I had no clue what was happening, or why.
At first I thought; "It has to be the weed"!!!
I'm getting paranoid for absolutely no reason at all.
It's got to be the weed!!
Makes sense, right?
After all, I was in a smoke filled car, trapped in the back seat, doing about 65mph in a 50mph zone on a highway with 4 screaming guys that are all crazy (I never hung out with boring friends).
What could possibly go wrong here?
So, I thought the paranoia was actually normal.
It was just "unexpected"!!
I was getting high on weed for about 14 years before all this, when I was in the Army, and 20 years old, and never had these kinds of feelings of paranoia before.
Yet, I always understood the possibility of it happening, depending on what kind of weed you might get.
But, why now?
And so, the only immediate solution was to "Stop Smoking Weed"!!
And, that also meant I had to stop seeing my pot smoking friends too.
This became a "Life changing event".
I certainly didn't like this feeling of dread, but, even worse was the feeling of boredom that quickly followed my decision to stop partying, and letting off steam.
I could feel the pressure building again, but, I had to be "Man enough" to handle it.
"Tough it out" was a major part of my upbringing, and, it's still a major part of my life.
Not so much for "pride's sake", but, for "survival's sake".
No one gets anything done by being weak.
It could even cost you your life, especially in New York City.
There are never any "days off" from standing up to oppression in New York City.
Like I said, that town will gobble you up, and they love looking for weak prey.
Frank Sinatra sang about NYC, and said;
"If I can make it there I can make it anywhere".
He knew the Streets, and, he knew the City.
However, I did have great success by simply not smoking pot anymore.
In fact, I never smoked it again.
It was a wise choice, especially because of all the chemicals they had started adding to it, which only made it more potent, and, more dangerous to smoke.
So, I had smoked weed for 14 years, and I stopped 26 years ago.
I was only a "Social Smoker" really, mostly on weekends, or at parties. But, never around my wife & kids, and never at work, or on the job.
If I smoked it 12 to 20 times a year that was a lot for me. It wasn't something that I had to do, and, I was never addicted to it. In fact, I never even really liked doing it. I just did it mostly to fit in, and, to feel more relaxed around my friends, and, to let my hair down - so to speak.
That may sound like excuses, but, it is the truth.
I was never controlled by the weed, nor by my friends. This was all voluntary for me, and, a chance to relax for a while. Simple as that.
But now, in 1988, I wasn't feeling that relaxed anymore. In fact I was feeling TERRIFIED. And, I didn't even know why. It was the first time in my life where I felt like I no longer had control of my own life.
That's scary!
Dread, hot flashes, and paranoia was starting to take over my life for the first time ever.
I was afraid. But, what was I afraid of?
I was afraid of fear itself.
Oh sure, when I stopped smoking pot things got a lot better. In fact, the panic attacks had stopped completely for a very long, long time, and, it simply slipped my mind altogether.
Out of sight, out of mind.
I'm sure that the weed had a lot to do with the panic attacks, even if I didn't actually know what I was afraid of.
I had trusted my friends completely, and, they even helped me to relax during these episodes. But, the attacks were coming too frequently, so, I knew I had to stop smoking weed.
It was also very embarrassing for me as well, with me losing my cool in front of my friends, that was harder to deal with than the actual attacks.
I didn't know how to act, did they think I was losing my mind?
I couldn't breathe, I would make them stop the car on the highway, and I had to get out of the car, I needed to get fresh air, and walk around until my heart rate would slow down, and calm down enough to get back into the car I was feeling trapped in.
I was terrified of getting back into the car with the music blasting, and everyone screaming, and telling jokes, while I felt like I was dying.
The fun was over for me.
But, I had to "pretend" that I was okay, especially because THEY were starting to get paranoid themselves, and, they didn't know what to do to help me. I was even under pressure TO HELP THEM feel better about me freaking out in their car.
So, I had to politely ask them to just lower the blasting radio, and be quiet for a few minutes while I was trying to calm myself down.
They were pretty cool about it, but, I knew they were thinking; "Jerry's Lost It"!!!
At least, for my sake, they kept that to themselves, even though my panic attack was bringing them down off their own highs.
They were my friends after all, and, this never happened before, at least not anytime that they were aware of.
Still, the only solution was to stop smoking pot, and, calm down my partying lifestyle. At least, that was my best solution to this new problem in my life.
Like I said - this was a life changing event.
But, I wasn't about to let it ruin my life either.
And so, I rose above it all, made the best of it, and had to keep on truckin', doing what I did best, and that was "Survive".
However, the questions were never answered, and, I never knew why any of this had happened, and, quite frankly, I was way too busy to worry about it either.
So, it wasn't long before I simply forgot all about it.
Today I have a more complete understanding of what had happened then, and, I will explain more about that soon.
Suffice it to say that the immediate problem was resolved, at least up until 1994 when I got the surprise of my life.
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This is me returning to life as usual, and still going upstream, and still not knowing why, or, what I'm going to find when I get there.
Why is life such a struggle?
Now it's been 16 years of marriage, it's 1994, and guess what?
I'VE GOT TEENAGE DAUGHTERS.
Yep, every father's worst nightmare.
And, guess what else?
THEY HAVE MINDS OF THEIR OWN.
It's no more "Strawberry Shortcake" cartoons, and dolls.
Now it's make-up, clothes, and, BOYS.
And, the last thing they want to hear is Daddy telling them how to live their lives - they've got it all figured out by now, and don't need me bothering them.
Cell phones are the big thing now, as well as text messaging, and, that also means you're "ON CALL 24 HOURS A DAY", and there's no escaping your BOSS, or, your Wife.
Bills are higher, rent is higher, stress is higher.
But, my wallet seems to be SMALLER.
I've turned to drinking a lot more, gambling a lot more, and, I've even turned to cocaine to spice things up to keep up with it all.
What a roller coaster!
My eldest was now going to College, starting her freshman years in NYC at MIT.
Thank God she wasn't driving yet, but, it was on the agenda!
I was also having trouble with the I.R.S.
I had 5 brand new cars in my name, and I was a partner, and owner of a new Insurance business, and, my partner was in the Mafia, and, he had a Greedy Son that worked for us, and was ROBBING US BLIND.
My partner and I actually had to close the business down after 3 years because all the money was gone, and, we failed to pay the "Payroll Taxes" for our 16 employees, ourselves included.
So, what did we do?
We had to put all that missing money as INCOME onto our own "Personal Income", and I ended up owing the I.R.S. ABOUT $50,000.00 in back taxes, not to mention, I had to turn in those 5 Brand New Cars that were under my name, and there were Business Expenses under Credit Cards that were NOT PAID.
This was a bad time.
It's safe to say that I was under a great deal of STRESS.
In fact, I had to declare Bankruptcy, and my golden credit had turned to shit in less than a year.
I owed over $100,000.00 between the I.R.S., and my other creditors.
There's an old saying;
"When you're up to your ass in alligators, it's no time to be cleaning out the swamp".
In other words; The blame game wasn't going to help me. I was in a pickle, and, it was up to me to get myself out of a huge jam, regardless of who's fault it is, it has to be dealt with.
So, I got a great lawyer that wasn't cheap. I declared my bankruptcy, and was able to dump about $50,000 in bills, but, my credit was damaged beyond repair after that, and, I still owed the I.R.S. $50,000, which can never be "written off" in bankruptcy, or, any other way...it's a DEBT FOR LIFE.
I was able to lower that amount to only a mere $20,000.00 - which I didn't have, and, I had no way of paying it off either.
One thing about the I.R.S. is that no matter how much you pay them, unless it's the FULL AMOUNT, they will always ADD PENALTIES, AND LATE FEES.
So, even if you pay them $500 a month, it does nothing to lower the "Principal Amount", and, barely covers the Penalties, and Late Fees.
It's throwing good money after bad.
There was no one to blame but myself.
Yeah...I'd say I was under a great deal of stress.
But, I was hanging in there, and doing my best to survive, and keeping that food on the table, and also paying the daily bills.....at least I always did that.
My family was always the most important thing to me, and, no matter what else was happening, they always came first.
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One day in July 1994, I was in my car driving into NYC from my home in Queens, with my Wife in the car, and we were going to pick up my eldest daughter from school at MIT.
As I was getting closer to the Queensboro Bridge I could feel my heart rate getting faster, and my stomach was starting to tighten up, and I felt my face getting flushed with hot flashes.
The closer I was getting to the bridge, the faster my heart was racing.
I was trying to be cool about it.
But, my wife started noticing that something was wrong, and she kept asking me; "Are you okay"??
Of course, I knew I wasn't "okay", but, I didn't want to worry her.
And, my wife didn't know how to drive, so, I couldn't very well ask her to drive, and, my daughter was waiting for me to arrive at the school, and I didn't want to just leave her there, and, there was no way of contacting her either, as she had left her cell phone at home for some strange reason.
So, I was determined to get to the school, regardless of how I was feeling.
I wasn't stoned, or high, or anything like that.
Yet, somehow, the thought of driving over that bridge was scaring the hell out of me, and I knew why too.
I knew that once I got on that bridge that there was NO WAY TO GET OFF - I knew I would be TRAPPED.
Dread was setting in quickly.
So, I kept stopping the car on the side of the Street I was on, and I kept trying to CALM DOWN BEFORE I GOT ON THAT BRIDGE.
The more I did that, the more my wife thought I was NUTS.
That only helped to make me more stressed out, as I had to worry about HER too now.
So, I now have 3 things that are making me crazy;
1) The Bridge
2) My daughter waiting for me
3) My wife was starting to freak out too
On top of all that is "I COULDN'T BREATHE, MY HEART WAS POPPING OUT OF MY CHEST, MY STOMACH WAS GETTING AS HARD AS A ROCK, AND, I FELT LIKE I WAS DYING".
This was fun.
And, to make matters even worse...I KEPT RUNNING INTO "RED LIGHTS"!!
It seemed like I would never get there, and, I was keeling over at every stop light on my steering wheel.
It was a nightmare that had no ending to it.
And, I'm also thinking about making that same trip back home!!!
By some kind of miracle I actually arrived at the school where my daughter was waiting.
I got out of my car - AND I FELL RIGHT TO THE GROUND IN THE MIDDLE OF THE STREET.
I thought - "This is it, I'm dying"!
I had all the symptoms of a "heart attack",
and it was a big one elizabeth.
My wife was in shock, and didn't know what to do.
She kept asking me; "What should I do, What should I do"??
I said; "CALL A DAMN AMBULANCE"!!!
I started saying my prayers as I was also starting to lose consciousness.
I couldn't even see anymore.
My head was spinning like a top, and I just closed my eyes, and was waiting for the end to come.
It seemed like hours before an Ambulance arrived, when I felt someone lifting my head off of the street, and he threw an oxygen mask over my mouth & nose, but, it wasn't helping me.
I was in FULL PANIC MODE.
My breathing was so rapid that I was unable to hold in a breath...I was panting, and hyperventilating.
The medic kept telling me that I have to calm down, and take slower breaths. I kept telling him I can't calm down, and I said "I'm about to pass out".
He said; "GOOD, PASS OUT, THEN YOU'LL START TO BREATHE NORMALLY"!!!
I thought that was weird...him telling me to "Pass Out".
Guess what?...I did pass out!
I was in full overload.
The next thing I knew was I was in the hospital on a stretcher, waiting to see the Doctor, with the oxygen mask on my face.
The oxygen did help a lot...I was feeling much better, and my breathing was normal again.
However, I never even got to see the Doctor, as the waiting room was so full at St. Vincent's hospital in NYC.
I asked how long before I can see a Doctor, and was told it will be at least another hour, maybe longer.
I said; "To hell with that, I'm leaving"!!
I thought to myself; "I will go to the VA in the morning, and they'll take care of me there".
All I wanted to do was GO HOME.
But, I forgot that I had to go over that DAMN BRIDGE again, with NO EXIT UNTIL YOU GET TO THE OTHER SIDE.
Needless to say, that the entire event had started all over again, and, it lasted all the way to my house.
But, I realized that I wasn't DYING....so,
I "Toughed It Out", all the way home in complete PAIN, just like a heart attack.
And, the very next morning I took a CAB to the VA hospital, and was treated for "ANXIETY DISORDER", which is a legal way of describing "PANIC ATTACKS".
That was 20 years ago, and, I'm still being treated for Anxiety Disorder, which, sadly, will be with me the rest of my life.
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But, why?
Is all this due to my "Money Woes"??
Probably.
But, is that my "Only Woe"?
Absolutely not.
If you were paying attention, you would know that there was so much more going on in my life than just "Money Problems".
One of the biggest problems I was having was whenever I was driving my car.
It was like I was in a DEATH TRAP, and, every time I ran into any TRAFFIC the Trap was Closing In Tighter, and Tighter.
There was never any escape, aside from "Pulling Over"....which I was doing more, and more frequently, and, I was getting more, and more embarrassed each time as well.
It was even worse if there happened to be someone else in the car with me.
But, why?
Why was I so terrified of "Traffic"?
If you have to ask...then you've obviously never driven in NYC.
It's like driving the "Indy 500", and everyone is OUT TO WIN, NO MATTER HOW THEY DO IT.
Personally, I just wanted to get where I was going SAFELY, but, it was like driving an Obstacle Course, only the Obstacles were ACTUALLY REALLY KILLING MACHINES....and, death was around every corner.
These people are nuts!!!
Yes, there was certainly stress building there everyday.
But, it wasn't just "traffic"!
It was everything!
People were racing here and there on the job, on the streets, on the TV & news, in wars, in politics, in subway trains, on buses, in neighborhoods, in racism, in drugs, in parks, in playgrounds, at ballgames, at the beach, in restaurants, in bars, even in church, and certainly in CRIME.
It was all around me!!
Everywhere I looked it was there.
And, there's NO ESCAPING IT.
You certainly can't expect to escape it in a big city like NYC....and, that's where I lived, and, also where I grew up. It was my home.
And, I wasn't having fun anymore.
I was trying to SURVIVE.
I was trying to make it alive from one day to the next.
I was also responsible for 4 other people's lives.
"Welcome to life".
Only it wasn't like a "Box Of Chocolate", as Forrest Gump's mother said it was.
I knew what I was getting, and it sucked.
Sure money would've helped a great deal, but, it could never change what was going on "Out There", could it?
Still, the question remained - WHY NOW?
Why is all this just starting to dawn on me?
I realized that all of a sudden "I had no control at all".
Everything that was happening around me was out of my hands.
I felt helpless.
For the first time in my life I was actually afraid of life itself.
I was terrified, and, I didn't even know what was terrifying me, because I didn't even know what was coming next.
It felt like I was hanging from a rope on a cliff, and the more I struggled, the more the rope was tearing apart.
What was even more scary was that I knew I couldn't stop struggling, or that river was going to wash me away like a tidal wave.
I was "Swimming Upstream", and life was rushing back at me, trying to pull me "Downstream" into the PIT.
I had no choice but to swim as hard as I could swim, but, the water keeps coming, and it's relentless, even now as I write this.
Should I stop struggling?
Should I just go with the flow?
Should I just give up?
I didn't have the "option" of just giving up!
I had a wife, and 3 daughters depending on me.
I'm doomed to fight this battle my entire life.
We all are.
There are no "days off".
And, the obstacles will always be there, regardless of how much money you have...there will always be the rest of the world out there, and they are the "BEAR" waiting for me to "pop out" as I make my way "upstream" like a salmon.
Some of us make it.
Some of us don't.
That's the "struggle".
That's life.
Not everyone makes it.
And, even if you do make it, how does it end?
It ends the same way as if you never made the trip at all.
Irony is a bitch, ain't it?
There really is only one consolation.
And that is that when you died you left someone else to carry on with their own battle to get up that stream.
What other reward is there?
It really seems unfair to make your way up that stream, only to be washed back down the moment you stop struggling & swimming - doesn't it?
It's that "drowning effect" that most people have the fear of in their dreams, as well as in water.
No matter how great a swimmer you are, there's always that chance of getting caught in that tidal wave, and you're completely overwhelmed, no matter how hard you try to fight it.
But, why?
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We all know the "what's" about life, and how hard it really is.
But, who knows the "Why's"??
Well, I've gone over a lot of the "why's", as well as the "what's".
But, there's a lot more to it.
More than you actually know.
You don't know the REAL why's.
You only know what you can see, and, you only know that there is danger out there, and, it's at every turn, and, you never know when it will find YOU.
Most people simply just "accept that" as a way of life.
Much like what I said earlier - it's out of our hands.
We couldn't possibly expect to control what other people do - can we?
But, I propose another question to you....
What if THEY cannot control what they do either?
What if it's "out of their hands" too?
Do you think that is even a possibility?
Have you ever heard of "Destiny"?
Have you ever heard of "Fate"?
While you're thinking about that, what about "Karma"? Have you ever heard of "karma"?
Are any of these things I've mentioned out of the realm of reality in connection with the Bible?
Think carefully before you answer that.
Here's another couple of questions to dwell on...
Does God punish us, or discipline us?
Does God want us to "FEAR HIM"??
What does it mean to "Fear God"?
What are we to "fear"?
Well, I would think that to fear God, then we would also fear God's WRATH, and, God's PUNISHMENT, as well as God's DISCIPLINE.
And, all these "Acts of God" are based on our DISOBEDIENCE TO GOD,
are they not?
Would that be considered "Karma"?
Or, "retaliation"?
Or, simply "Punishment"?
Or, even "Discipline"?
Is this in the realm of reality in connection with the Bible?
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If you were arrested for something you didn't do, and you were completely innocent, and, you could prove your innocence, then YOU WOULD HAVE NO FEAR GOING IN FRONT OF A JUDGE - would you?
After all...why should you be afraid if you haven't done anything wrong?
Isn't that true in every aspect of our lives?
So, the only person that "should be afraid" is someone that is actually "GUILTY" - right?
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I've just explained "PANIC ATTACKS" to you.
In reality, they are "Guilt Attacks".
The fear is PUNISHMENT.
This is a "healthy thing", and, we "should be afraid", just as God commanded.
It's designed to get us back on a Godly Path in life.
This is God's discipline.
God is TALKING TO YOU.
Just as God has been talking to me these past 20 years.
You don't always get to hear God's actual voice.
Sometimes God strikes you FULL OF FEAR.
God actually TERRIFIES YOU.
You don't believe me???
Maybe you've never really read the Book Of Revelation, have you?
Do you want to know how many times the word "TERROR" is in the Bible?
91 times. From Genesis to Revelations....
And, it's God's TERROR.
- Genesis 35:5
Then they set out, and the terror of God fell on the towns all around them so that no one pursued them.
- Exodus 15:16
terror and dread will fall on them. By the power of your arm they will be as still as a stone— until your people pass by, Lord, until the people you bought pass by.
- Exodus 23:27
“I will send my terror ahead of you and throw into confusion every nation you encounter. I will make all your enemies turn their backs and run.
- Leviticus 26:16
then I will do this to you: I will bring on you sudden terror, wasting diseases and fever that will destroy your sight and sap your strength. You will plant seed in vain, because your enemies will eat it.
- Deuteronomy 2:25
This very day I will begin to put the terror and fear of you on all the nations under heaven. They will hear reports of you and will tremble and be in anguish because of you.”
- Deuteronomy 11:25
No one will be able to stand against you. The Lord your God, as he promised you, will put the terror and fear of you on the whole land, wherever you go.
- Deuteronomy 26:8
So the Lord brought us out of Egypt with a mighty hand and an outstretched arm, with great terror and with signs and wonders.
- Deuteronomy 28:67
In the morning you will say, “If only it were evening!” and in the evening, “If only it were morning!”—because of the terror that will fill your hearts and the sights that your eyes will see.
- Deuteronomy 32:25
In the street the sword will make them childless; in their homes terror will reign. The young men and young women will perish, the infants and those with gray hair.
- 1 Samuel 11:7
He took a pair of oxen, cut them into pieces, and sent the pieces by messengers throughout Israel, proclaiming, “This is what will be done to the oxen of anyone who does not follow Saul and Samuel.” Then the terror of the Lord fell on the people, and they came out together as one.
- 1 Samuel 28:5
When Saul saw the Philistine army, he was afraid; terror filled his heart.
- 2 Samuel 17:2
I would attack him while he is weary and weak. I would strike him with terror, and then all the people with him will flee. I would strike down only the king
- 2 Chronicles 14:14
They destroyed all the villages around Gerar, for the terror of the Lord had fallen on them. They looted all these villages, since there was much plunder there.
- Job 6:4
The arrows of the Almighty are in me, my spirit drinks in their poison; God’s terrors are marshaled against me.
- Job 9:34
someone to remove God’s rod from me, so that his terror would frighten me no more.
- Job 13:21
Withdraw your hand far from me, and stop frightening me with your terrors.
- Job 15:24
Distress and anguish fill him with terror; troubles overwhelm him, like a king poised to attack,
- Job 18:11
Terrors startle him on every side and dog his every step.
- Job 18:14
He is torn from the security of his tent and marched off to the king of terrors.
- Job 20:25
He pulls it out of his back, the gleaming point out of his liver. Terrors will come over him;
- Job 24:17
For all of them, midnight is their morning; they make friends with the terrors of darkness.
- Job 27:20
Terrors overtake him like a flood; a tempest snatches him away in the night.
- Job 30:15
Terrors overwhelm me; my dignity is driven away as by the wind, my safety vanishes like a cloud.
- Job 39:20
Do you make it leap like a locust, striking terror with its proud snorting?
- Psalm 9:20
Strike them with terror, Lord; let the nations know they are only mortal.
- Psalm 10:18
defending the fatherless and the oppressed, so that mere earthly mortals will never again strike terror.
- Psalm 31:13
For I hear many whispering, “Terror on every side!” They conspire against me and plot to take my life.
- Psalm 48:5
they saw her and were astounded; they fled in terror.
- Psalm 55:4
My heart is in anguish within me; the terrors of death have fallen on me.
- Psalm 73:19
How suddenly are they destroyed, completely swept away by terrors!
- Psalm 78:33
So he ended their days in futility and their years in terror.
- Psalm 88:15
From my youth I have suffered and been close to death; I have borne your terrors and am in despair.
- Psalm 88:16
Your wrath has swept over me; your terrors have destroyed me.
- Psalm 91:5
You will not fear the terror of night, nor the arrow that flies by day,
- Proverbs 20:2
A king’s wrath strikes terror like the roar of a lion; those who anger him forfeit their lives.
- Proverbs 21:15
When justice is done, it brings joy to the righteous but terror to evildoers.
- Song of Songs 3:8
all of them wearing the sword, all experienced in battle, each with his sword at his side, prepared for the terrors of the night.
- Isaiah 13:8
Terror will seize them, pain and anguish will grip them; they will writhe like a woman in labor. They will look aghast at each other, their faces aflame.
- Isaiah 17:14
In the evening, sudden terror! Before the morning, they are gone! This is the portion of those who loot us, the lot of those who plunder us.
- Isaiah 19:17
And the land of Judah will bring terror to the Egyptians; everyone to whom Judah is mentioned will be terrified, because of what the Lord Almighty is planning against them.
- Isaiah 21:1
[ A Prophecy Against Babylon ] A prophecy against the Desert by the Sea: Like whirlwinds sweeping through the southland, an invader comes from the desert, from a land of terror.
- Isaiah 22:5
The Lord, the Lord Almighty, has a day of tumult and trampling and terror in the Valley of Vision, a day of battering down walls and of crying out to the mountains.
- Isaiah 24:17
Terror and pit and snare await you, people of the earth.
- Isaiah 24:18
Whoever flees at the sound of terror will fall into a pit; whoever climbs out of the pit will be caught in a snare. The floodgates of the heavens are opened, the foundations of the earth shake.
- Isaiah 28:19
As often as it comes it will carry you away; morning after morning, by day and by night, it will sweep through.” The understanding of this message will bring sheer terror.
- Isaiah 31:9
Their stronghold will fall because of terror; at the sight of the battle standard their commanders will panic,” declares the Lord, whose fire is in Zion, whose furnace is in Jerusalem.
- Isaiah 33:18
In your thoughts you will ponder the former terror: “Where is that chief officer? Where is the one who took the revenue? Where is the officer in charge of the towers?”
- Isaiah 44:11
People who do that will be put to shame; such craftsmen are only human beings. Let them all come together and take their stand; they will be brought down to terror and shame.
- Isaiah 47:12
“Keep on, then, with your magic spells and with your many sorceries, which you have labored at since childhood. Perhaps you will succeed, perhaps you will cause terror.
- Isaiah 51:13
that you forget the Lord your Maker, who stretches out the heavens and who lays the foundations of the earth, that you live in constant terror every day because of the wrath of the oppressor, who is bent on destruction? For where is the wrath of the oppressor?
- Isaiah 54:14
In righteousness you will be established: Tyranny will be far from you; you will have nothing to fear. Terror will be far removed; it will not come near you.
- Jeremiah 6:25
Do not go out to the fields or walk on the roads, for the enemy has a sword, and there is terror on every side.
- Jeremiah 8:15
We hoped for peace but no good has come, for a time of healing but there is only terror.
- Jeremiah 14:19
Have you rejected Judah completely? Do you despise Zion? Why have you afflicted us so that we cannot be healed? We hoped for peace but no good has come, for a time of healing but there is only terror.
- Jeremiah 15:8
I will make their widows more numerous than the sand of the sea. At midday I will bring a destroyer against the mothers of their young men; suddenly I will bring down on them anguish and terror.
- Jeremiah 17:17
Do not be a terror to me; you are my refuge in the day of disaster.
- Jeremiah 17:18
Let my persecutors be put to shame, but keep me from shame; let them be terrified, but keep me from terror. Bring on them the day of disaster; destroy them with double destruction.
- Jeremiah 20:3
The next day, when Pashhur released him from the stocks, Jeremiah said to him, “The Lord’s name for you is not Pashhur, but Terror on Every Side.
- Jeremiah 20:4
For this is what the Lord says: ‘I will make you a terror to yourself and to all your friends; with your own eyes you will see them fall by the sword of their enemies. I will give all Judah into the hands of the king of Babylon, who will carry them away to Babylon or put them to the sword.
- Jeremiah 20:10
I hear many whispering, “Terror on every side! Denounce him! Let’s denounce him!” All my friends are waiting for me to slip, saying, “Perhaps he will be deceived; then we will prevail over him and take our revenge on him.”
- Jeremiah 30:5
“This is what the Lord says: “‘Cries of fear are heard— terror, not peace.
- Jeremiah 32:21
You brought your people Israel out of Egypt with signs and wonders, by a mighty hand and an outstretched arm and with great terror.
- Jeremiah 46:5
What do I see? They are terrified, they are retreating, their warriors are defeated. They flee in haste without looking back, and there is terror on every side,” declares the Lord.
- Jeremiah 48:43
Terror and pit and snare await you, you people of Moab,” declares the Lord.
- Jeremiah 48:44
“Whoever flees from the terror will fall into a pit, whoever climbs out of the pit will be caught in a snare; for I will bring on Moab the year of her punishment,” declares the Lord.
- Jeremiah 49:5
I will bring terror on you from all those around you,” declares the Lord, the Lord Almighty. “Every one of you will be driven away, and no one will gather the fugitives.
- Jeremiah 49:16
The terror you inspire and the pride of your heart have deceived you, you who live in the clefts of the rocks, who occupy the heights of the hill. Though you build your nest as high as the eagle’s, from there I will bring you down,” declares the Lord.
- Jeremiah 49:29
Their tents and their flocks will be taken; their shelters will be carried off with all their goods and camels. People will shout to them, ‘Terror on every side!’
- Jeremiah 50:2
“Announce and proclaim among the nations, lift up a banner and proclaim it; keep nothing back, but say, ‘Babylon will be captured; Bel will be put to shame, Marduk filled with terror. Her images will be put to shame and her idols filled with terror.’
- Jeremiah 50:36
A sword against her false prophets! They will become fools. A sword against her warriors! They will be filled with terror.
- Jeremiah 50:38
A drought on her waters! They will dry up. For it is a land of idols, idols that will go mad with terror.
- Lamentations 2:22
“As you summon to a feast day, so you summoned against me terrors on every side. In the day of the Lord’s anger no one escaped or survived; those I cared for and reared my enemy has destroyed.”
- Lamentations 3:47
We have suffered terror and pitfalls, ruin and destruction.”
- Ezekiel 7:18
They will put on sackcloth and be clothed with terror. Every face will be covered with shame, and every head will be shaved.
- Ezekiel 7:25
When terror comes, they will seek peace in vain.
- Ezekiel 23:46
“This is what the Sovereign Lord says: Bring a mob against them and give them over to terror and plunder.
- Ezekiel 26:16
Then all the princes of the coast will step down from their thrones and lay aside their robes and take off their embroidered garments. Clothed with terror, they will sit on the ground, trembling every moment, appalled at you.
- Ezekiel 26:17
Then they will take up a lament concerning you and say to you: “‘How you are destroyed, city of renown, peopled by men of the sea! You were a power on the seas, you and your citizens; you put your terror on all who lived there.
- Ezekiel 32:23
Their graves are in the depths of the pit and her army lies around her grave. All who had spread terror in the land of the living are slain, fallen by the sword.
- Ezekiel 32:24
“Elam is there, with all her hordes around her grave. All of them are slain, fallen by the sword. All who had spread terror in the land of the living went down uncircumcised to the earth below. They bear their shame with those who go down to the pit.
- Ezekiel 32:25
A bed is made for her among the slain, with all her hordes around her grave. All of them are uncircumcised, killed by the sword. Because their terror had spread in the land of the living, they bear their shame with those who go down to the pit; they are laid among the slain.
- Ezekiel 32:26
“Meshek and Tubal are there, with all their hordes around their graves. All of them are uncircumcised, killed by the sword because they spread their terror in the land of the living.
- Ezekiel 32:27
But they do not lie with the fallen warriors of old, who went down to the realm of the dead with their weapons of war—their swords placed under their heads and their shields resting on their bones—though these warriors also had terrorized the land of the living.
- Ezekiel 32:30
“All the princes of the north and all the Sidonians are there; they went down with the slain in disgrace despite the terror caused by their power. They lie uncircumcised with those killed by the sword and bear their shame with those who go down to the pit.
- Ezekiel 32:32
Although I had him spread terror in the land of the living, Pharaoh and all his hordes will be laid among the uncircumcised, with those killed by the sword, declares the Sovereign Lord.”
- Daniel 10:7
I, Daniel, was the only one who saw the vision; those who were with me did not see it, but such terror overwhelmed them that they fled and hid themselves.
- Amos 6:3
You put off the day of disaster and bring near a reign of terror.
- Luke 21:26
People will faint from terror, apprehensive of what is coming on the world, for the heavenly bodies will be shaken.
- Acts 21:38
“Aren’t you the Egyptian who started a revolt and led four thousand terrorists out into the wilderness some time ago?”
- Romans 13:3
For rulers hold no terror for those who do right, but for those who do wrong. Do you want to be free from fear of the one in authority? Then do what is right and you will be commended.
- Revelation 11:11
But after the three and a half days the breath of life from God entered them, and they stood on their feet, and terror struck those who saw them.
So, does God cause Terror?
ABSOLUTELY.
And that's what Panic Attacks are - terror.
But, God clearly explains why it happens.
It happens because of our SINS, as well as our GUILT.
But, God is so merciful that he is trying to save us from a worse terror - HIS WRATH.
And save us from his Final Judgements too.
Ever since I was a child around 7 years old, I knew that I had the "Holy Spirit" within me.
Do you want to know "how I knew that"??
It was easy....
It began when I first began to sin, or LIE, or STEAL something.
It was then that "MY HEART USED TO BEAT SO QUICKLY".
Yep, it was that "adrenaline rush", and my heart was POUNDING almost out of my chest, and, of course MY FACE USED TO GET BEET RED,
I couldn't stop myself from BLUSHING.
It was a dead giveaway to anyone that knew me that I just did something WRONG.
Tell the truth now....
Has that ever happened to you?
Guess what?
That was God TALKING TO YOU!!!
Unfortunately, as some people get older, and more CALLOUSED in their feelings,
they STOP LISTENING to the Holy Spirit talking to them.
It's then that they have a BLACK, COLD HEART.
It's also then that their heart is NO LONGER CIRCUMCISED.
It's no longer "Open To God's Love".
It stops "listening To God".
When, and if that ever happens - you're completely DOOMED.
Because when you stop listening to God, and REJECTING THE HOLY SPIRIT within you,
there is NO FORGIVENESS for that.
God says; If you curse Me that will be forgiven, if you curse the Son that will be forgiven, but, whoever rejects, or, speaks against the Holy Spirit, that sin will NEVER BE FORGIVEN.
Matthew 12:31-32
New International Version (NIV)
31 And so I tell you, every kind of sin and slander can be forgiven, but blasphemy against the Spirit will not be forgiven.32 Anyone who speaks a word against the Son of Man will be forgiven, but anyone who speaks against (or REJECTS) the Holy Spirit will not be forgiven, either in this age or in the age to come.
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So, what is the solution for "Healing Me" of my panic attacks?
Honestly, I don't know.
All I can do is try harder to be obedient, and not sin.
But, I know that is not possible for me, no matter how hard I try, I keep falling backward.
I feel doomed to fail, as the waters wash me backward.
So, I can only presume that my attacks will continue. All I can hope for is God's mercy.
But, I know that is not enough, to simply wait for God's mercy, or, even to obey his commandments.
What I do know is that God commands that WE OBEY GOD.
As follows;
Jeremiah 7:22-24
New International Version (NIV)
22 For when I brought your ancestors out of Egypt and spoke to them, I did not just give them commands about burnt offerings and sacrifices, 23 but I gave them this command: Obey me, and I will be your God and you will be my people.Walk in obedience to all I command you, that it may go well with you. 24 But they did not listen or pay attention;instead, they followed the stubborn inclinations of their evil hearts. They went backward and not forward.
God also commands that we "FEAR GOD".
As follows;
Deuteronomy 10:12
New International Version (NIV)
Fear the Lord
12 And now, Israel, what does the Lord your God ask of you but to fear the Lord your God, to walk in obedience to him, to love him, to serve the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul,
Honestly, I cannot think of one commandment that is not possible to obey.
Actually, I believe that's the easy part.
The hard part is "Trusting God".
Oh sure, we all know the words
"In God We Trust".
But, they are just words after all, right?
Saying is one thing - Doing is something completely different.
For me to be completely honest with God is for me to be honest with myself first.
Therefore, let me confess my sins, as well as my arrogance.....
For me to say that God is all powerful is no different than the demons who know this.
Where is my honor in that?
For me to fear God, who has his hand upon me, is no different than the thief who knows he is caught.
Who does not fear judgement?
Who does not fear punishment?
Who does not fear terror?
Who does not fear being caught?
Who does not fear authority?
Even the righteous fear God.
How much more does the sinner fear God?
What honor is there in fearing God?
Were I to not fear God, would God be any less powerful?
What does it matter to God if I fear him, or not?
Will he not still be God?
There is no honor in fearing God.
There is no reward to be expected for fearing God.
So, what does it profit a man to fear God?
Can I remove his hand from me?
Can I say to God "Do not put terror in my heart"?
Can I say to God "Remove your hand from me"?
Can I command God?
God will do his own will whether I fear him, or not.
While there is no profit in fearing God, there is WISDOM in fearing God.
Wisdom is more valuable than Honor.
Who is honored in fear?
Is God honored that I fear him?
Am I honored to fear God?
Does God honor me if I fear him?
What reward is there in fear?
Will I be more blessed in fear of God?
Would I not be more wise to fear God, rather than honored?
Does God reward wisdom?
Wisdom is it's own reward.
So, it is better to be wise than to be honored.
What honor is there is stopping sin?
Is it not more wise to stop sin?
Then that means that stopping sin is also it's own reward.
Therein lies the prize.
It is both wise, and rewarding, to stop sin.
For it is sin that also causes fear.
Were I not to sin would I not also no longer have fear?
Is this not wise?
What good does it do to obey a command, only to resent it in my heart?
Do I have honor in obeying commands?
I am wise to obey commands.
Is it not more honorable to tell the truth?
This is HONOR, to be truthful, not obedient.
For, if I am truthful, and also obedient, I am now Honorable, and WISE.
Now honor, and obedience are their own rewards.
Should God bless me for doing what is right?
Is it wise, and honorable to do what is right?
Then, that should be it's own reward.
Do I do this to gain reward?
If I do it to gain reward, what honor is in that?
While it may be wise, it certainly is not honorable.
Now honor becomes more valuable than wisdom.
To be sure, both Honor, and Wisdom, are the greatest rewards. But, one without the other is USELESS.
It is wise to obey, and, it is honorable to be virtuous, as well as truthful.
However, to obtain both, YOUR MIND MUST BE IN CONCERT WITH YOUR HEART, AS WELL AS YOUR BODY.
Therein also lies my dilemma, as well as my sins, as well as my fears, as well as my dishonor, as well as my lack of wisdom, as well as my lack of love, as well as my arrogance, as well as my hypocrisy.
Therein also lies my KNOWLEDGE.
Knowledge is also easy to obtain, along with wisdom, and along with honor, and the lack thereof comes just as easily.
Whatever you set your heart, and mind out to obtain, you will achieve it.
And, whatever you choose to ignore, you will achieve that just as easily.
These choices have always been yours alone.
And, no one can deny you whatever your heart desires, not even God.
It's always been up to you to define what your own determination will be, and what efforts you will put into obtaining your heart's desire.
It's always been up to you.
What God gives us is the KNOWLEDGE to make those choices, regardless of your belief in God, or not.
You are born with FREE WILL.
It is your CHOICES that have the consequences, or rewards, not your beliefs.
Again, therein lies my dilemmas.
Does it matter if I believe in God, or not?
Is he not still God, regardless if I believe in him?
That's the awesomeness of God.
What I believe doesn't affect God at all.
It only affects me.
It doesn't even affect others around me.
Why? Because they too have the same dilemmas, and the answers are the same as well.
What do they gain from knowing what I believe?
Isn't it more important what they believe?
Do I have the power to change people's hearts?
NO.
At best, I can only influence them.
Guess what?....that's all God can do to you too.
The rest is up to you.
It will always be your heart, just like it will always be my heart, just like it will always be God's heart.
None of us have power over the other's hearts.
The heart is a FORBIDDEN ZONE.
The heart is off limits to EVERYONE.
(including God).
Each one of us is responsible for our own hearts.
Therein lies the dilemma.
Since it is the heart that is the most POWERFUL,
it is also the most VULNERABLE.
It is the HEART that sins.
And, what surrounds the heart is the MIND, as well as the BODY.
Yet, they are all SUBJECT TO THE HEART.
None of them can survive without the heart, yet, the heart can survive without the rest, it can even be TRANSPLANTED.
It's the only organ in the entire body that works ALL BY ITSELF.
So, is it me obeying commands that leads to righteousness?
No.
That's just wisdom.
It's wise to obey God for fear of what God will do if I fail to obey. That equals wisdom.
My righteousness comes from my virtues, not my obedience.
Even a SLAVE obeys....but, is the slave LOYAL, and TRUSTWORTHY, and HONEST?
No.
The slave is simply AFRAID of punishment, and is FORCED TO OBEY.
My sins are not so much in my disobedience, as they are in my loyalty, and trust in God.
God does not want a slave.
God wants honesty above all things.
Wisdom is the fear of God.
Honesty is trusting in God.
That equals faith.
Yes, you can have faith that God will punish you, and, you can have the wisdom to be fearful of that.
But, if you're honest with God, then you shouldn't have to fear God's punishment.
You should use your wisdom to not make the same mistake twice, and, the honesty to admit your own guilt in the sin you've committed.
That equals repentance.
Your faith comes in trusting in God.
This is where our biggest sins come from.
It is our lack of faith that causes us to reject God, and his power.
And, it is our dishonesty in pretending that we have that faith that all things are in God's hands that creates our unrighteousness.
Unrighteousness is lack of faith,
not so much our sins.
Sins are "Acts We Have Committed".
Committing a sin doesn't mean you've lost faith, it means you've made a mistake.
Losing faith is NOT TRUSTING IN GOD.
Mistakes can easily be forgiven.
But, how can you forgive MISTRUST?
Just as in any relationship, you have nothing if you don't have TRUST.
And none of this has absolutely anything to do with HONOR, WISDOM, MORALS, BELIEFS, OR VIRTUES.
So, what are my REAL sins?
Sure, I've done a lot of bad things in my life, who hasn't?
I have no problem in admitting that I'm not perfect, and, I have no problem in admitting that I've done some evil shit too.
But, maybe, I have a different interpretation of what is evil than you do.
To me, my most evil thoughts are when I want God to PUNISH SOMEONE ELSE for something they've done to me.
I'm quick to say; "May that person rot in hell"!
Sometimes, I even get mad at God for doing NOTHING, especially when I see injustice everywhere I look, and, certainly all the injustices that have been done to me.
That's probably my most frequent, and worse sin, me WAITING ON GOD TO ACT.
It's like I can hardly wait for God to show his VENGEANCE, as I know too well that what was done is in direct opposition to God's laws, and commands.
It's like I feel like "GOD WORKS FOR ME".
How does that sound for being EVIL?
And guess what?
YOU ALL HAVE DONE THE SAME THINGS.
There isn't ONE of you out there that hasn't CALLED ON GOD TO ACT.
The only differences between me and you may be that "YOU DO IT IN PRAYER"...
I don't.
I come right out with it and say; "GOD, SMITE THAT BASTARD"!!!
Yep, out of the mouth comes what is in the heart.
Some people just like to HIDE WHAT IS IN THEIR HEARTS....that doesn't mean they're not thinking it, does it?
Honesty.
It's a bitch, ain't it?
Yet, honesty isn't always being righteous, is it?
So, my only comfort, thus far, is that I have always been HONEST with God, and in our little talks together.
I'm not stupid enough to think that God doesn't know what I'm thinking.
It's the "WHAT I'M THINKING" part that is messed up.
To be totally truthful with you, I actually believe that it's the "What I'm Thinking" that's been causing God to bring these panic attacks on me in the first place.
It's just taken me longer than most people to figure it all out.
How can I ask for mercy, when I don't give mercy?
As long as there is ONE THOUGHT in my head about someone else, and what they're doing, then there is NO RIGHTEOUSNESS in me at all.
And, if I try to even convince myself otherwise, then I'm just making a fool of myself.
I can't PASS OFF HONESTY as RIGHTEOUSNESS.
Believe it, or not, that's exactly what I've been doing my entire life.
When I "Tell Someone Off", I always said to them;
"You should be glad that I'm being honest with you", and, I always thought that to be one of my best VIRTUES.
There's another old saying;
"If you've got nothing nice to say, it's better to say nothing at all".
THIS ALSO APPLIES TO "THOUGHTS".
Does it matter if I'm RIGHT?
Does it matter if they're WRONG?
Or vice-versa?
It's when I stopped trusting in God to HANDLE THIS, that I've lost all righteousness.
I became judge, jury, and I called on God to be the EXECUTIONER.
In other words...whenever I feel like something is wrong, I turn to God to fix it.
That's not really such a bad thing...in fact, it's better than taking the matter into my own hands, and trying to fix it myself.
But, I've come to EXPECT it of God.
I haven't left it up to God to get involved.
I call on God to get involved.
HOW STUPID IS THAT?
Does the same God that KNOWS EVERYTHING THAT I'M DOING, not know what EVERYONE ELSE is doing too?
But, the hypocrisy is that I already know all this.
Yet, somehow, I thought I was special in some way.
WHY?
Because I have the "KNOWLEDGE OF GOD"?
That's what makes this almost insane.
It's almost like; the more I know of God, the more I expect of God.
But, I'M NOT TRUSTING IN GOD AT ALL.
It's time for a "TIME OUT".
I need to recheck my belief in God.
While I've never denied the power of God,
I have denied the WISDOM OF GOD.
"Thy Will Be Done".
Like I said earlier....it's EASY to obey God's commandments.
The HARD part is TRUSTING IN GOD.
THAT'S WHERE WE ALL NEED THE MOST WORK.
So, in order for me to GET GOD OFF MY BACK, and prevent these Panic Attacks, I first have to GET OFF GOD'S BACK, and stop asking him to ACT.
God will "Act" when he's ready to act.
We all know this already.
This is also why "I DON'T WASTE MY TIME PRAYING TO GOD".
I rely on the words of Jesus Christ that says;
"IT IS A SIN TO WORRY".
By worrying, who can add one hair to their head?, Jesus asked.
That's what's causing my panic attacks!!!
"WORRY".
What I'm TERRIFIED about is "What's Coming Next".
I'm also terrified that it will be ME, that I'm next to be attacked by the "Outside World".
Honestly, after seeing everything that's going on out there, I believe that's a NATURAL REACTION.
But, that's what God wants us to STOP DOING.
God wants us to "TRUST IN GOD".
If you're terrified, then you're also WITHOUT FAITH.
This is the "lesson" God is teaching me.
This is CLEARLY outlined in the Passage in Luke, which is #88 of the "TERRORS OF GOD" that I showed you above, as follows;
Luke 21:26
People will faint from terror, apprehensive of what is coming on the world, for the heavenly bodies will be shaken.
Surely this is meant for those who are WITHOUT FAITH, as well as those who DO NOT TRUST IN GOD.
Therefore, this is MY SIN.
My faith is weak.
My trust is weak.
My strength is weak.
My belief is weak.
If I believe in the power of God, but, do not trust that God will save me, even in Death, then I am a LIAR, and the truth is not in me.
THAT IS JESUS' BIGGEST ACCUSATION AGAINST ALL OF US.
That's why Jesus said that some people are "LUKEWARM",
neither Loyal to one thing, or the other, and, He's about to "Spit Us Out Of His Mouth" saying;
"I DON'T KNOW YOU".
What that means is "You may believe in God, as even the Demons believe in God, and, you may even fear God, as even the Demons fear God, but, you don't TRUST in God".
You are "Half-Hearted" - and your faith is weak.
-----------------
So, when people around you make you sick by the things they are doing, and, you even feel the need to "pray for them" to find God, and for God to "Open their hearts" so that they stop being so cruel....
Remember this;
GOD WILL DEAL WITH THEM, JUST AS GOD IS DEALING WITH YOU.
AND, WHATEVER GOD DECIDES TO DO WITH THEM IS "JUSTICE", ACCORDING TO HIS WILL - NOT YOURS.
This is as it should be, not as we want it to be.
We've got to learn to PUT IT ALL IN GOD'S HANDS, and, that includes OUR OWN LIVES AS WELL.
We must "Trust In God".
Only then will we be able to LIFT the burdens we carry, not only for those we love, as well as for ourselves, but, also for the entire world.
No one can bear this burden.
That's where the TERROR truly is.
That's where the STRESS truly is.
Jesus Christ took on the BURDENS OF THE WORLD.
He has borne our INIQUITIES.
He has borne all of our SINS.
And, by his stripes we are HEALED.
(Isaiah 53)
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CONCLUSION;
From the beginning of this blog you may have noticed that I'm the kind of guy that "Likes To Be In CONTROL".
The biggest problem I was having was that I discovered that I had NO CONTROL.
I wanted control of MY OWN LIFE, which, obviously, isn't within my grasp, as well as control over what I was encountering in the outside world.
Again - none of that was ever in my control in the first place, but, somehow I convinced myself that I did have some kind of control over some things.
What is most depressing is that I could never control what "other people do".
That's very frustrating to me.
I became very IMPATIENT with people, and so, I turned to God for help in this.
I kept thinking to myself that God would protect me from such people, and, honestly, it actually felt like he was protecting me.
After all...I'm still here, aren't I?
That's what made me have a big headed ego.
I kept thinking that God was on my side, and, that God was watching over me.
This is what led to my biggest disappointments when the people around me were irritating me, and, God wasn't stopping them, or, in the very least, punishing them after what they had done to me.
Me, me, me.
That's all that I kept thinking about.
I thought, If I'm doing what is right, and they're doing what is wrong, then surely God was going to do something about it.
I was wrong.
And, the more that I saw that nothing was happening to them, the more frustrated I became.
I was asking God;...."Hey God, are you out there"?
"Do you see what these people are doing"??
"When are you going to do something"?
So, the more I saw that nothing was being done, the more impatient I was becoming.
The more impatient I was becoming, the more my heart rate would increase.
It was like my blood pressure was going through the roof.
The more this was happening, the LESS I wanted to be a part of it.
I wanted to WITHDRAW from everything.
That's what I meant by saying "I WANTED TO ESCAPE FROM REALITY".
Life itself was too SCARY.
How can I change any of it?
And, another fear was that the people really had NO CONTROL OF THEMSELVES either.
It was like they were PAWNS too.
This is all too overwhelming.
It's like trying to catch lightning in a bottle.
It was out of my CONTROL.
And I always had prided myself on my ability to deal with any kind of situation.
I've lost all control.
But, I kept trying to control everything.
I'm that salmon swimming upstream, against the flow, disregarding the fact that the water was STRONGER THAN I WAS.
I was at war with everything.
I need to bring back "Peace".
I need to "END THE WAR".
This isn't my fight to win.
I'm fighting a losing battle.
I can't change the world, and, the world isn't going to change for little ole me.
I need to surrender.
I need to accept the things I cannot change,
and realize that I cannot change the things that I don't accept.
I need to just do the best that I can, and leave the rest to God.
I need to understand that I cannot change people's hearts, and they need to understand that they cannot change my heart either.
I need to let the river flow...
I can't hold back the river any longer.
It's time to let it go.
-------------------------------
This is how the Lord comforts me...
He calls to me in the PSALMS.
While they are not only full of Prophecy,
as well as Wisdom, and Knowledge,
they are mostly full of Hope,
as well as Justice.
There I find the justice I seek, when all around me are briers, and thorns, and serpents.
There is the Lord's Salvation,
and my Joy that all is not in vain.
This Psalm calls out to me when I am overwhelmed, and, when I am afraid.
My Lord calls to me to say;
"I am here, do not fear".
Psalm 27
New International Version (NIV)
Psalm 27
Of David.
1 The Lord is my light and my salvation—
whom shall I fear?
The Lord is the stronghold of my life—
of whom shall I be afraid?
2 When the wicked, and, evil men advance against me
to devour my flesh,
when my enemies and my foes attack me
they will stumble and fall.
3 Though an army besiege me,
my heart will not fear;
though war breaks out against me,
even then I will be confident.
4 One thing I ask from the Lord,
this is what I seek:
that I may dwell in the house of the Lord
all the days of my life,
to gaze upon the beauty of the Lord
and to seek him in his temple.
5 For in the day of trouble
he will keep me safe in his dwelling place;
he will hide me in the shelter of his tabernacle
and set me high upon a rock.
6 Then my head will be exalted in that day,
above the enemies who surround me;
at his tabernacle I will sacrifice with shouts of joy;
I will sing, and, make music to the Lord.
7 Hear my voice when I call to you, oh Lord;
be merciful to me and answer me.
8 My heart says of you, “Seek his face!”
Your face, Lord, I will seek.
9 Do not hide your face from me,
do not turn your servant away in anger;
for you have been my helper.
Do not reject me or forsake me,
oh God my Savior.
10 Though my father and mother,
sisters and brothers forsake me,
the Lord will receive me.
11 Teach me your ways, oh Lord;
lead me in a straight path,
turn me from my transgressions,
because of my oppressors,
and, for the sake of your Holy Name.
12 Do not turn me over to the desires of my foes,
for false witnesses rise up against me,
breathing out violence,
spouting malicious accusations.
13 I still remain confident of this:
That I will see the goodness of the Lord
in the land of the living.
14 Therefore I wait for the Lord;
be strong oh heart,
and wait for the Lord.
For his love, his grace, his mercy,
and, his salvation endures forever.
Let us give thanks and praise to the Lord, our God,
for he has done it, and, it is marvelous in our eyes.
